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National Mail Order Association

 Marketing Mayhem 

 
Marketing Mayhem

What is Marketing Mayhem? In the simplest terms, it is the mindless marketing that has been draining profits, wasting productive energy, and creating strategic and tactical confusion in just about every type of business.

Why is this happening? Here are a few specifics:

  • Mindless use of technology
  • Imaginative sterility
  • Misleading and confusing use of language
  • Taking customers for granted

Want some examples of what Marketing Mayhem has done?

We have more technology, analytical tools, And process than ever before. BUT: Sales and profits are down. Why?

We supposedly know more than ever before about what buyers want. BUT: Customers are more skeptical and more alienated from us and more resistant to sales offers than ever before.

We can choose from a ton of CRM software and hours of CRM seminars. BUT: The typical customer responds with the loyalty of a gnat. You can find more specifics on the pages of Marketing Mayhem. Even more important, you'll find answers to the problems that Marketing Mayhem creates–and you'll be entertained all along the way by the world's most productive copywriter and DIRECT Magazine's most popular feature columnist.

Table of Contents

Acknowledgments
Preface
Introduction
Imaginative Sterility
The Jamie Lee Curtis Syndrome
Nike and Mike…John Paul, the Frito Bandito, Pierce…and Almost Everybody Else
Lee Iacocca, Look What You Did
Hara-Kiri: 21st-Century Style
"Please Stay on the Line for a Self-serving Message"
Reader's In-Digest-ion
Where Does an Alien Go to Register?
Idiots' Delight
New Uses for Software Campaigns: A Limp 3 1/2-inch Floppy
Hit-and-Run Appeals to Fragments
The Peanut Gallery: A Digestive Directive
Our Version of the Boston Tea Party
It Ain't Necessarily So: Ten Creative Myths
Process/Technology Abuse
Marquis de Sade, Author of Owner's Manuals
Invasion of the Term-Throwers, Part I
Invasion of the Term-Throwers, Part II
Invasion of the Term-Throwers, Part III
What a Surprise: Nobody Is Responsible
Before We Had "CRM," We Actually Had Customer Relationships
CRM by the Pound
Darwin Was Right: The Evolution of Motivators
Will the Real Sax Lewis Please Stand Up…?
Some Attitudes Just Don't Compute: Smart Uses of Smarter Tools
They'll Never Know the Difference"
Sweet Sue!
A Really Simple Way to Connect with Your Customers: Shipping and Handling
Some Really Dumb Uses of Really Smart Tools
Language Abuse
Basically, I'd Like to Define This as a Paradigm Shift
Cell-Phone Phonies
But Wait, There's More!
L.O.L.: Take Out the Periods and It's Short for Lollygagging
A Blockbuster of a Marketing Mistake
The Importance of Saying "Important"
Free at Last? Well, Sort of…Except…
An Embarrassment of Riches
When It Comes to Award-Winning Artists, We Mean Business. Let's Shake on It
If Your Caddy Zigs, Does Your Jaguar Jag/ Does Your Saab Sob? And How about a Pap Test for Your Volvo?
Rocket and Roadmaster, Where Are You?
Lawyers on Skateboards
Aw, Come On, You Know Better than to Use These Words
I Admire You, You Rascal, You
If John Caples Were Alive Today, He'd Be Turning over in His Grave
Standing on Our Heads, Riding the Tsunami
Let's Be More Niggardly with Our Euphemisms
New and Improved: A Good Old-fashioned Home-made Original
Customer Abuse
Service with a Snile
Get out of My Face!
Your Call Is Important to Us. Please Rot on the Line.
"And How Are You Today?" "Terrible, Thanks."
The Decline and Fall of Telephone Manners
Au Revoir to an Old Friend
Latest Online Service: Customer Elimination Department
Retail Riddance
High Tech, Low Tech. The Breitling Chronicles
The Large Type Giveth & the Small Type Taketh Away: That *$%#@*Asterisk Strikes Again
Is It Any Wonder They're Skeptical?
Where Is Ed McMahon Now That We Need Him?
Vee Know Where You Liff!
Here's Your Official Survey: We Need Your Opinion on Latvian Flag Design
Post Mortem
Index

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